This post is very hard to write, just as it will be very hard for some of you to read. Most of you will judge, some of you will cry, and some of you will think "job well done". But regardless of what you think,while you read this and when your done, remember one thing, this is MY life. OUR life.
We struggled with our choices, we prayed and in the end we did what we felt our Faith and hearts were telling us to do.
Exactly 5 months after walking through our door as a family of 4, I watched my father's van drive away with the screaming and crying little girl I was once willing and hoping to call my daughter. And once again, we were a family of 3.
I cried. I cried for her, I cried for the family she was returning to, I cried for the "promises" I broke, I cried for my family...who was lost and breaking. It was the hardest decision of my life and though I was stricken with guilt, fear, and heartbreak, once the decision was final, I knew right away it was the right choice. I was not meant to be her mother. She was not meant to stay in my family. I was meant to plant a seed for someone else to water and grow.
There were many reasons for this choice. She was not able to function within our family. She had a blinding jealously for Olena, as she had in the previous families with small children. She could not handle change well at all. As a family on the go and a family who is spontaneous, she had a very difficult time. During the school week she was good, but to sway off course one bit, you were asking for trouble. Our weekends were consumed with constant raging tantrums, she would constantly seek our attention in negative ways, and her symptoms of RAD were very extreme. We tried various approaches, I read everything I could get my hands on, we started therapy and counseling...everything I knew she needed. I never expected results right away, but as the days went on her behavior and emotions progressively got worse our lives 24/7 were consumed with dealing with her, it was OVERWHELMING to say the least and every day I could see us spiraling out of control. It was some of the most atrocious behavior I have ever experienced. Our dogs were constantly stressed, our families tried helping but no matter how much effort they put in Ira would just fight harder and longer. We talked about stopping the adoption and changed our mind again a few times over the course of the last month. Our hearts were filled with love for a child but we knew in the back of our minds, we were not what she needed to flourish. Then we had Olena to worry about. She practically lived her own life for 5 months, We watched her unravel at the seams right in front of us. She pulled herself into her shell where she was safe and just lived on the "outside" of our crazy world watching in horror as everything played out in front of her. I couldn't believe I was allowing this to happen to her.
Then we had one of our worst weekends ever, that is when the final choice was made. We didn't even need to speak it from our mouths. Jason and I just knew by looking into each others eyes that is was over. We were defeated. My heart shattered into a million pieces right there. The next day we made all of the necessary calls and and started to make a plan. Then on the 5th day at 3am in the morning, I walked her out my door one last time and put her into the car, hugged her with all my love and said goodbye.
I once again, made this child experience loss. For that I will never forgive myself. At the end of the day though, I know I did what I was supposed to do. I saved my family. I tried my best. Yes I made mistakes, a lot of them in my opinion, but there was obviously a lesson to be learned for many of us involved.
Now we work on healing, getting Olena back on track and making the most of the lives and the opportunities we were given. Will I forget her and move on? NEVER. She will forever hold a piece of my heart and she for the rest of my life will have a place in my prayers. She is just a girl, who has lived a life very very few of us could ever imagine. I have to trust He has his hand on her and will keep her safe and get her to her forever family soon.
We struggled with our choices, we prayed and in the end we did what we felt our Faith and hearts were telling us to do.
Exactly 5 months after walking through our door as a family of 4, I watched my father's van drive away with the screaming and crying little girl I was once willing and hoping to call my daughter. And once again, we were a family of 3.
I cried. I cried for her, I cried for the family she was returning to, I cried for the "promises" I broke, I cried for my family...who was lost and breaking. It was the hardest decision of my life and though I was stricken with guilt, fear, and heartbreak, once the decision was final, I knew right away it was the right choice. I was not meant to be her mother. She was not meant to stay in my family. I was meant to plant a seed for someone else to water and grow.
There were many reasons for this choice. She was not able to function within our family. She had a blinding jealously for Olena, as she had in the previous families with small children. She could not handle change well at all. As a family on the go and a family who is spontaneous, she had a very difficult time. During the school week she was good, but to sway off course one bit, you were asking for trouble. Our weekends were consumed with constant raging tantrums, she would constantly seek our attention in negative ways, and her symptoms of RAD were very extreme. We tried various approaches, I read everything I could get my hands on, we started therapy and counseling...everything I knew she needed. I never expected results right away, but as the days went on her behavior and emotions progressively got worse our lives 24/7 were consumed with dealing with her, it was OVERWHELMING to say the least and every day I could see us spiraling out of control. It was some of the most atrocious behavior I have ever experienced. Our dogs were constantly stressed, our families tried helping but no matter how much effort they put in Ira would just fight harder and longer. We talked about stopping the adoption and changed our mind again a few times over the course of the last month. Our hearts were filled with love for a child but we knew in the back of our minds, we were not what she needed to flourish. Then we had Olena to worry about. She practically lived her own life for 5 months, We watched her unravel at the seams right in front of us. She pulled herself into her shell where she was safe and just lived on the "outside" of our crazy world watching in horror as everything played out in front of her. I couldn't believe I was allowing this to happen to her.
Then we had one of our worst weekends ever, that is when the final choice was made. We didn't even need to speak it from our mouths. Jason and I just knew by looking into each others eyes that is was over. We were defeated. My heart shattered into a million pieces right there. The next day we made all of the necessary calls and and started to make a plan. Then on the 5th day at 3am in the morning, I walked her out my door one last time and put her into the car, hugged her with all my love and said goodbye.
I once again, made this child experience loss. For that I will never forgive myself. At the end of the day though, I know I did what I was supposed to do. I saved my family. I tried my best. Yes I made mistakes, a lot of them in my opinion, but there was obviously a lesson to be learned for many of us involved.
Now we work on healing, getting Olena back on track and making the most of the lives and the opportunities we were given. Will I forget her and move on? NEVER. She will forever hold a piece of my heart and she for the rest of my life will have a place in my prayers. She is just a girl, who has lived a life very very few of us could ever imagine. I have to trust He has his hand on her and will keep her safe and get her to her forever family soon.
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Tina