So here I sit, house is quiet, dark and warm. Once again I find that I am lost in thought instead of working on the 1 million things on my TO DO list. It is 2012 and I find the need to "renew"....but renew what? this has been something on my mind for several weeks now, and while I had strongly hoped that come January 1st it would hit me like a brick, and I would start living this renewed life with such joy and success....well, hhmmm...... here I sit still in deep thought.
Thoughts about what you ask? EVERYTHING! It is kind of hard to explain without sounding like a complete raging lunatic but I really feel like I don't know myself. Somewhere along the line, I lost that person. My life...a whole series of events made me who I am today, but yet this person is not really me, is it? Don't get me wrong, I have a lovely life. A fabulous husband who has walked this rocky road of marriage with me through good and bad. I am blessed with the most perfect daughter, and I have a loving and gracious family. I am a very fortunate woman, and I am grateful - though I honestly think I forget to remember that everyday. But, lately I feel like life is happening around me...almost like a movie, I am just watching it, not a part of it.
Whats my purpose? where do I fit in this world?
Again I am happy for my many blessings, but I have to be more than the house cleaning, caretaker, underpaid office grunt worker that I feel like. (I am putting my dirty laundry out there for the blog world to read.) My #1 flaw is my inability to follow through with my ideas, dreams, and wishes in life. Over the last few days I have started a bucket list, only my bucket list doesn't contain what I want to do before I die but what I have wanted to do either currently or in the past but never seen it through for one reason or another? Embarrassing to say, but it is quite lengthy. I feel like I have a lot to figure out, a lot of soul searching to do, but life...it keeps going, so instead of being so distracted, I need to get my head out of clouds and join this movie reel before my TO DO list drowns us all, my unschooled daughter is running the streets, and my ravaged animals take over the house!
I have considered telling Jason "lets sell everything, move overseas and start a new life"...but maybe coming back to reality is a better idea?
Mid Semester breakdown??? or Midlife crisis???
Thoughts about what you ask? EVERYTHING! It is kind of hard to explain without sounding like a complete raging lunatic but I really feel like I don't know myself. Somewhere along the line, I lost that person. My life...a whole series of events made me who I am today, but yet this person is not really me, is it? Don't get me wrong, I have a lovely life. A fabulous husband who has walked this rocky road of marriage with me through good and bad. I am blessed with the most perfect daughter, and I have a loving and gracious family. I am a very fortunate woman, and I am grateful - though I honestly think I forget to remember that everyday. But, lately I feel like life is happening around me...almost like a movie, I am just watching it, not a part of it.
Whats my purpose? where do I fit in this world?
Again I am happy for my many blessings, but I have to be more than the house cleaning, caretaker, underpaid office grunt worker that I feel like. (I am putting my dirty laundry out there for the blog world to read.) My #1 flaw is my inability to follow through with my ideas, dreams, and wishes in life. Over the last few days I have started a bucket list, only my bucket list doesn't contain what I want to do before I die but what I have wanted to do either currently or in the past but never seen it through for one reason or another? Embarrassing to say, but it is quite lengthy. I feel like I have a lot to figure out, a lot of soul searching to do, but life...it keeps going, so instead of being so distracted, I need to get my head out of clouds and join this movie reel before my TO DO list drowns us all, my unschooled daughter is running the streets, and my ravaged animals take over the house!
I have considered telling Jason "lets sell everything, move overseas and start a new life"...but maybe coming back to reality is a better idea?
Mid Semester breakdown??? or Midlife crisis???
Comments
And I always want to move when it hits me too. Usually, if I start trying to tackle everything at once, I loose traction and fall off the wagon. If I tackle one thing at a time until I have a new habit (getting up before the kids is my current developing habit) then I do better.