Well if you haven't noticed, I have updated the Title of my blog. And it is an expression of exactly how my life feels right now. I have sat here staring at a blank posting page several times over the last week. Thinking about what exactly do I say? How do I even explain what we are going through? I decided I would be honest. I would bare the internal soul of this house for everyone to read.
I decided this for several reasons. 1. I think it is only fair to other potential adoptive parents for me to keep it real. Share how damaged these kids REALLY are and how not to take on more than what you believe you are capable of 2. hopefully I can inspire others. Granted this hard and I will tell you things that will make your jaw drop, but it is not impossible. I have faith and hope, though very slim at the moment. I also know what me and my husband are capable of and I refuse to let an 11 year old break us. 3. I have noticed a change in myself, in the way I communicate with my family and friends and I do carry a lot of weight on my shoulders. Sadly sometimes those people can feel hurt by my neglect and lack of "friendship". I want these friends/families to see what I face every day and why my total commitment at this point in time lays within these walls. and lastly #4. I want to come back and read this in the future, and let her read this once we get to the top of the mountain we are scaling together as a family so we can see first hand just how much we have overcome.
A day in the life of Ira....
She lives day to day with one thing on the brain. To satisfy herself. That meaning, she is constantly focusing on wanting something and obtaining it. ALWAYS! From the moment she wakes up, until she goes to bed at night she is on a mission, to "get something".
She suffers from food obsession. If she is not actively engaging in something, her focus is on eating. If I fed her every time she asked to eat she would constantly have food in her hand. She eats 4 meals a day and has a snack between each meal. Yet at least 3 times a days she has a break down that she is starving! We give her adult size helpings and she usually gets a second helping if there is anything left over.
She argues everything we ask of her. She thrives off of arguing and chaos. She will argue and complain about the simplest things, just because she wants to and craves the attention. If you ignore her, she will be sure to follow you and keep pecking and pecking and pecking. It makes me nuts! LOL!
Of course, like most of these kids do, she angers very easily especially when being told no. Not getting what Ira wants always results in a melt down and a tantrum. Sometimes they are minor and only last 5-15 minutes, but we have spent 2-3 weeks in a row where she would carry on for hours. All the while destroying everything around her. We have had to resort in restraining her in bear hugs to avoid her hurting herself or anyone else. And it is necessary to keep her away from others when mad because she will lash out at anyone around her. Olena has fell victim to being pinched, wacked and tripped. And one of our dogs did end up being shoved down the stairs. She has no clue how to deal with or express her emotions.
She also struggles a lot with daily living skills. She can dress herself but will often put her clothes on backwards or inside out. She has no concept or care to match her clothing. If not instructed to and supervised she will not ready herself in the morning either. It takes constant reminding and arguing to get her into the bathroom to brush her hair, teeth and wash her face. and if you do not watch, none it will not be done correctly, not even close. She will use a dry rag to dust off her face, brush the side of her hair and suck the toothpaste off of the toothbrush. That is her idea of daily hygiene.
She cannot feed herself properly. She constantly refuses to hold the utensils correctly. She makes a huge mess on the table and floor around her and she is guaranteed to have a face covered in food when she is done. She has very minimal table manners and has the constant need to get up, walk around, touch other peoples food, and always tries to eat with her fingers verses her fork/spoon.
All of these things she can do correctly and perfectly. She is fully capable!! but she has to be supervised and constantly "nagged" to do it. We are very consistant and we, daily, remind and correct her of these things, but yet she does what she wants. Even though she is fully aware of what is expected of her.
If you ask her, why? why did you only suck the toothpaste off when you know you need to actually brush? Her response, because I wanted to!
"Please hold your fork the way I showed you." She will fix it, take two bites and then go back to holding it like a shovel.
What do you use when you wash the dishes? a sponge and soap! why didn't you do that ?(as the dish strainer is filled with dirty rinsed dishes) because I didn't want to!
She knocks on the door and said she needed to use the bathroom. I was going so of course I asked her to wait. I finish, come out and she had decided I was being rude so she sat on the edge of her bed and peed. She knew it was wrong. After she smirked and told me "Its your fault mom because you were being rude" she then started to cry and beg me not to take anything away for punishment.
So as you can see, Ira has some challenges to face and overcome. She is smart though. She has a spark in her, she just uses that drive and spark for all the wrong reasons. Its all about trying to reprogram her to redirect that energy, that anger, the emotions....she has a long road to recovery and a lot to learn about life. We are no where near the finish line, shit to be honest, I am not even sure if we have started the marathon yet. But we start every day fresh and hope for the best. I am fully aware of why she is like this. She has all of the classic signs of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), she has the usual Sensory Processing Disorder, as well as ADHD and most likely depression. Realistically though...anyone who has gone through what she has, would be suffering all the same "issues" if they were even lucky enough to survive. Most "older children" orphans never get an opportunity for 1 adoptive family...this girl has been with 3. That is nothing short of a miracle. I am not sure what she is destine to do, but my heart tells me it is something big. She will shine! it will just take some time.
Therapy and counseling starts in a few weeks. We will start with occupational therapy and therapeutic listening. As well as behavioral/mental health counseling/therapy. I am hoping that this will get things going in the right direction. I have access to the help she needs and thankfully with everything I did for Olena I am familiar with the process and where we need to start.
I sometimes lose hope. I won't lie. At least twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. :) It is hard to be so consistent and diligent in something and not see any fruits of your labor. This is one of the most overwhelming and exhausting things I have ever faced in my life. Our life, every day is lived by the seat of our pants. It is not day by day in the Warchol home, it is minute by minute.
I do feel the love and support everyday around us, so thank you to all of you who read, think about us, and pray for us. If it wasn't for all of you there is NO WAY we would be surviving this. She needs the prayers the most, we know how to parent her but we need to chip away at the institutionalized shell that encases her beautiful soul. But your loving words, messages and prayers are inspiring and reminds us that what we are doing...is good! It's about building this family and teaching her how to become part of it.
One minute at a time!
I decided this for several reasons. 1. I think it is only fair to other potential adoptive parents for me to keep it real. Share how damaged these kids REALLY are and how not to take on more than what you believe you are capable of 2. hopefully I can inspire others. Granted this hard and I will tell you things that will make your jaw drop, but it is not impossible. I have faith and hope, though very slim at the moment. I also know what me and my husband are capable of and I refuse to let an 11 year old break us. 3. I have noticed a change in myself, in the way I communicate with my family and friends and I do carry a lot of weight on my shoulders. Sadly sometimes those people can feel hurt by my neglect and lack of "friendship". I want these friends/families to see what I face every day and why my total commitment at this point in time lays within these walls. and lastly #4. I want to come back and read this in the future, and let her read this once we get to the top of the mountain we are scaling together as a family so we can see first hand just how much we have overcome.
A day in the life of Ira....
She lives day to day with one thing on the brain. To satisfy herself. That meaning, she is constantly focusing on wanting something and obtaining it. ALWAYS! From the moment she wakes up, until she goes to bed at night she is on a mission, to "get something".
She suffers from food obsession. If she is not actively engaging in something, her focus is on eating. If I fed her every time she asked to eat she would constantly have food in her hand. She eats 4 meals a day and has a snack between each meal. Yet at least 3 times a days she has a break down that she is starving! We give her adult size helpings and she usually gets a second helping if there is anything left over.
She argues everything we ask of her. She thrives off of arguing and chaos. She will argue and complain about the simplest things, just because she wants to and craves the attention. If you ignore her, she will be sure to follow you and keep pecking and pecking and pecking. It makes me nuts! LOL!
Of course, like most of these kids do, she angers very easily especially when being told no. Not getting what Ira wants always results in a melt down and a tantrum. Sometimes they are minor and only last 5-15 minutes, but we have spent 2-3 weeks in a row where she would carry on for hours. All the while destroying everything around her. We have had to resort in restraining her in bear hugs to avoid her hurting herself or anyone else. And it is necessary to keep her away from others when mad because she will lash out at anyone around her. Olena has fell victim to being pinched, wacked and tripped. And one of our dogs did end up being shoved down the stairs. She has no clue how to deal with or express her emotions.
She also struggles a lot with daily living skills. She can dress herself but will often put her clothes on backwards or inside out. She has no concept or care to match her clothing. If not instructed to and supervised she will not ready herself in the morning either. It takes constant reminding and arguing to get her into the bathroom to brush her hair, teeth and wash her face. and if you do not watch, none it will not be done correctly, not even close. She will use a dry rag to dust off her face, brush the side of her hair and suck the toothpaste off of the toothbrush. That is her idea of daily hygiene.
She cannot feed herself properly. She constantly refuses to hold the utensils correctly. She makes a huge mess on the table and floor around her and she is guaranteed to have a face covered in food when she is done. She has very minimal table manners and has the constant need to get up, walk around, touch other peoples food, and always tries to eat with her fingers verses her fork/spoon.
All of these things she can do correctly and perfectly. She is fully capable!! but she has to be supervised and constantly "nagged" to do it. We are very consistant and we, daily, remind and correct her of these things, but yet she does what she wants. Even though she is fully aware of what is expected of her.
If you ask her, why? why did you only suck the toothpaste off when you know you need to actually brush? Her response, because I wanted to!
"Please hold your fork the way I showed you." She will fix it, take two bites and then go back to holding it like a shovel.
What do you use when you wash the dishes? a sponge and soap! why didn't you do that ?(as the dish strainer is filled with dirty rinsed dishes) because I didn't want to!
She knocks on the door and said she needed to use the bathroom. I was going so of course I asked her to wait. I finish, come out and she had decided I was being rude so she sat on the edge of her bed and peed. She knew it was wrong. After she smirked and told me "Its your fault mom because you were being rude" she then started to cry and beg me not to take anything away for punishment.
So as you can see, Ira has some challenges to face and overcome. She is smart though. She has a spark in her, she just uses that drive and spark for all the wrong reasons. Its all about trying to reprogram her to redirect that energy, that anger, the emotions....she has a long road to recovery and a lot to learn about life. We are no where near the finish line, shit to be honest, I am not even sure if we have started the marathon yet. But we start every day fresh and hope for the best. I am fully aware of why she is like this. She has all of the classic signs of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), she has the usual Sensory Processing Disorder, as well as ADHD and most likely depression. Realistically though...anyone who has gone through what she has, would be suffering all the same "issues" if they were even lucky enough to survive. Most "older children" orphans never get an opportunity for 1 adoptive family...this girl has been with 3. That is nothing short of a miracle. I am not sure what she is destine to do, but my heart tells me it is something big. She will shine! it will just take some time.
Therapy and counseling starts in a few weeks. We will start with occupational therapy and therapeutic listening. As well as behavioral/mental health counseling/therapy. I am hoping that this will get things going in the right direction. I have access to the help she needs and thankfully with everything I did for Olena I am familiar with the process and where we need to start.
I sometimes lose hope. I won't lie. At least twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. :) It is hard to be so consistent and diligent in something and not see any fruits of your labor. This is one of the most overwhelming and exhausting things I have ever faced in my life. Our life, every day is lived by the seat of our pants. It is not day by day in the Warchol home, it is minute by minute.
I do feel the love and support everyday around us, so thank you to all of you who read, think about us, and pray for us. If it wasn't for all of you there is NO WAY we would be surviving this. She needs the prayers the most, we know how to parent her but we need to chip away at the institutionalized shell that encases her beautiful soul. But your loving words, messages and prayers are inspiring and reminds us that what we are doing...is good! It's about building this family and teaching her how to become part of it.
One minute at a time!
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